My mother-in-law moved into her new house today. I dropped the boys off at school and then met Josh at the old house where the movers were going to be coming in the morning. It took them over four hours to load everything. During that time I left to go to a routine doctor’s visit at the Springfield Clinic. These annual visits can seem like such a waste of time sometimes. So much money for not much that happens.

When I came back everyone was out at the farm. My husband’s aunts were there along with an uncle. Everyone was sitting in the living room having some rest time while the movers unloaded things. After a while we all got up and started unpacking boxes. Josh and I worked on the guest room and the aunts worked on the kitchen. The boys put together the end tables that are going in the downstairs kids bedroom.

My daughter is staying out there with Grandma tonight and tomorrow. My sister-in-law flies in later this week to be here for a few days. There were some emotional moments before the movers arrived and once they were getting started. It’s still a shame that my father-in-law isn’t here to see everything. I don’t know if those who have gone before us can see us or not. I would think they are part of the great cloud of witnesses.

So maybe they aren’t able to see us at all times, kind of like in a cross country race. You see the runner at certain points, but you aren’t able to see him or her the entire race. I unpacked his coats and hats into the mud room and it looks exactly like how it would be if he were here and planned to use them. They’re supposed to be for anyone who is here who might need a coat to play or work outside. The house is huge.

I came home and was watching an Instagram story of a woman my age who is pregnant with her 9th baby. She is planning to have an unaided home birth but had gone and seen her midwife today. She was talking about hearing her baby’s heartbeat and out of nowhere it brought back baby heartbeat memories. I can’t believe my children were inside me at one point. Before I ever knew them, I’d heard each of their hearts.

Today was a crazy day at work. It by no means was as bad as it could have been, but the build up of little things here and there, and then getting pulled into a patient room unexpectedly when no one else was around to help her which set me back a full 45 minutes, I had a moment where I had to go into the med room, shut the door, and dry my tears. It’s the first time I’ve cried since being back.

It’s hard because we don’t really have time to talk much during the shift. Even just, “Hey, you’re doing fine” would give me some peace and reassurance. The girl I’ve been training with isn’t exactly the warmest, but I still like her, and like I think I said before, competence makes up for lack of warmth in nursing. I would not say it goes the other way around though.

Warmth can go a long way, but that itself isn’t enough. I remember two C words I came up with when I was first starting out that summarized what I wanted to strive for: Competence and Compassion. At some point later in my stay-at-home mom years I came up with a third that I thought was fitting, though I cannot remember now what the third C was. From God I’m needing extra measures.

It helps that the boys come home at noon. I’d asked my husband if he misses me while I’m at work, not in that annoying way, but just in a curious, “Oh yeah, this is different for you too, what’s it like?” sort of way. He said its’ not like he’s crying about it or anything, but that yeah, he likes having me around. I took a walk after work and thought about how much I love being home.

The past two weeks I’ve been training on REACH. I still really like it though I’ve been slightly discouraged that I’m still also in the middle of the training process and likely will be for another while yet. I’d rather have it this way then be thrown into things before I am ready. But I do get frustrated with myself sometimes, that I have to be dependent on asking this other nurse for help, thinking that I’m bothering her, or wondering how much farther along I’d be if I’d kept on doing this since the beginning.

But those are only minor thoughts. Some of the geese flew back this afternoon while I was walking. I admittedly wasn’t expecting them back this early, I figured it’d be more in the middle of the month. But anyhow there were a bunch of them. The past three days I’ve walked for over an hour straight which is the most I’ve intentionally walked in over three years. It’s quite the miracle.

Tonight we went over to my mother-in-law’s house to clean. Mostly we were going through boxes in her room and helping her continue to sort through belongings. My husband’s aunts have been over there and have gotten a lot done already. There is no rush to sell the old house so that is nice. The moving date is set for February 6th.

I found a letter that I’d written my father-in-law when I was in college. One time I was down there visiting and something about my car made him take a closer look at it. Turns out it needed over $800 of repair work. He took it into the shop where he would normally take his cars and paid the bill. I’d forgotten that I’d paid him back for that.

The letter was dated October 17, 2002 which was not long before our New Year’s Day engagement. We’ve had so many memories together since then, 95% of them good. If there were any bad ones they were only misunderstandings that went unspoken on either end. I still think of him often and the lovely times when he was alive and here.

How are you a man of God

and still here

I am not interested

in being your vice

Last night we went to one of the Saturday night services in town. We’re trying something where if he has to preach at a church Sunday morning then we go to church together as a family on Saturday. Starting in March he said he’s not going to be doing any more pulpit supply unless it’s for something directly having to do with the camp.

None of these are easy decisions because we like the things we do. But the hard fact of things is that there has to be sacrifice when you’re raising a family. Commitments creep in and pile up and before you know it we’re compromising the agreed upon standards again. The boys and I are home this morning. Elianna went along. I didn’t have to teach.

The fragmented Sunday mornings have been bothering me for a while. And it doesn’t seem like something I’ve been able to cure with getting involved or changing attitudes. One step at a time though, and I know everything can’t be perfect and there are going to be things in our lives that aren’t ideal. We do have to bear with such things at times.

The boys are bored and wanting to go to Menards. My children’s boredom makes me restless as a mother. I could sit and relax and read a book for hours and be fine. I told them I would take them a little later after I had gotten some work done. I have a case conceptualization study due tomorrow for class. I still am struggling with my classwork.

So much that I’m thinking now that I also want to drop my trauma intensive. I will wait, however, and cross that bridge when we get there. The latest book I’m reading is called Becoming Elisabeth Elliot by Ellen Vaughn. I’m really liking it. The younger Elisabeth Elliot is very interesting compared with the stuffy and detached way I thought she was.

Tonight as a family we played a game called Happy Salmon. Having a child away at school has prompted some serious reflection on both of our parts as parents regarding the ways we’ve interacted or failed to interact with our kids as they’ve been growing up. It’s hit us both at different times. You value time even more as time goes on.

The kids had another snow day but the snow is mostly melted now. This morning things were still slick in spots but now it’s all puddles. That means the outside cats have plenty of water now again. When it’s cold like it’s been you have to make sure they have fresh water regularly because their water freezes in the bowl and they can’t drink it.

I had an assignment due yesterday that I didn’t turn in. I just put the computer away and went to bed without finishing. I really don’t like doing that, and tonight the teacher emailed saying that he hadn’t seen it turned in. I said I haven’t finished it yet and that I’d turn it in tomorrow. It’s a test critique of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

The kids had a snow day again today. I think we’re all enjoying these extra days at home together. It really was a mess of ice this morning and then rain and slush toward the afternoon. Tonight we’re supposed to have more freezing rain and everyone is waiting to hear if school is cancelled again.

I’m still feeling very relieved to not have to worry about another class. As the various teach-out options have come out from the school, I’m surprised by how many are going the fully online route. One of the things I’ve loved about LCU is the in-person classes. It’s really sad the school is closing. They have such a good program and excellent teachers.

One time in Hoyleton I remember looking out the window thinking, “Snowy days are great as long as/because there’s nowhere else to go”, and I felt so thankful that on that day and on many others I didn’t. I don’t know why that’s such a prominent memory, but it comes to my mind fairly often. I still think that.

I just read a Substack post by Samuel James titled Taylor Swift + Travis Kelce is Good, Actually. He gave ten reasons why. I think it was meant to be a serious but still light-hearted post. His reasons were fine and I generally agree with them, but it did not convince me to care more or have any particular feelings about whatever is going on.

My reason is because he is just a number in a long list of people she’s dated. I was happy for her and Joe, and those two I think lasted the longest, way longer than the others. I seriously don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I don’t see why Taylor Swift having a boyfriend is that big of a deal.

Miles, Graham, Aiden, and Maddy came over to walk on the lake. They came out yesterday too. It’s an attraction for camp kids to see the lake in different forms. Most people only ever see it in the summer. A few weeks ago a group from Miles and Graham’s church was here for an orienteering event. I couldn’t believe all of the similar aged couples and families, most of them homeschoolers. One of the moms came up to me and referenced “the pond”.

I didn’t say anything. I guess to some that’s what it is. The lake is so frozen these days that it doesn’t make any noise when you walk on it. When this group was here one of the parents made two huge pots of chicken noodle soup over an open fire in the dining hall. They had almost an entire pot of leftover. They asked if we would eat any of it, and if I had any leftover containers to put it in. I hardly ever turn down free food, but after digging through my lids and random Tupperware cupboard, I told them just to split it amongst themselves. I felt guilty taking their food for some reason.

They were all very nice. One of the things I like about homeschoolers are their creative ways to teach and learn. School teachers do this too, so I know it isn’t just limited to homeschooling communities. For me there was always a fine line between fun and creative experiences, and tiring yourself out with activities and the pressure to perform. Tiring ways are too much. We’re supposed to have icy weather again tomorrow so our professor already cancelled class.

There’s a standard of living

that I’ve grown accustomed to

Open fields without flowers

unchanged where they stand

Yet to learn another way

means my trees are no longer

the marker of home