I’m still stuck on this river thing. Today I did look into it more and I feel like this is something that maybe actually could happen. After reading through some info, people’s opinions, and stories, I looked up the place where on the river we used to swim as kids. It’s a little over 1000M wide, probably closer to 1100. That’s not that far, and unless I’m completely underestimating or off about something, an hour seems like a good guess.

It motivated me again to move more today at least. We put air in the tires so I biked around for a while and down to the lookout tower and back. Some people had come to fish. I saw my daughter on a walk and asked her where she was going. She was heading down to the beach but didn’t have any shoes on. So I parked my bike and walked with her but we had to walk slow because her feet were sensitive on the rocks. By then the sun had set more and it wasn’t particularly warm so jumping in was not appealing.

“Well don’t overdo it”, he said, “We don’t need you catatonic for the next three days.” I was lying on my back on the floor in our bedroom, pushing an 8lb weight into the air. It was the one that was close. I admittedly have never swam in prolonged open water currents, so I do not know what that would be like. But that’s kind of what I’m wanting to know. What would it be like to swim across a running river? It’s at least fun to dream.

Yesterday I said that about wanting to swim across a river then later remembered I swam across the Rio Grande once. I’m not in the mood to write about it. But the part where I swam was never over chest or waist high. I am talking about a wider river that I estimate would take about an hour. That’s taking your time and not trying too hard. I was thinking about this last night when I was awake, how some people train for half or full marathons for whatever reason and how there’s no way I would ever do that.

But swimming across a river you wouldn’t even have to train for. You’d just make sure to have your boat alongside and the lifeguard tube attached to your body. I’ve never even researched if there’s a right way to do this. This afternoon I went down and jumped in the lake. This is the time of the year we’re getting around to our first swim of the season. Miles and Elianna had gone swimming down there earlier and said the water was actually pretty nice. I didn’t stay there long, just enough to be submerged.

And then I walked around for a while. I also tried to bike but it had a flat tire. There was nobody out at camp today which is odd for a weekend but also nice to have it quiet. Dad and the boys had gone back out to Grandma’s to finish mowing. A storm blew in not long after they arrived back home. It came down heavy for a while and has rained on and off for the rest of the evening. I can’t think of anything else to write mainly just because it’s getting late. We had a nice supper together and Saturday evening at home.

This morning we took a drive out toward the river to check for flooding. One of the groups had called and said they thought the back road was blocked off. It was, but not because of the water. The river was still contained in its banks but barely. I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to try and swim across a river. They used to have to cross rivers when traveling from the center of the country out West.

Sometimes men would be washed away while they crossed. And there would be no burials or searching for bodies. The rest of the travelers would just have to go on. The currents, even in a small river, seem like something you wouldn’t want to get caught in. It seems like it wouldn’t be that far or that hard, but all it would take is an invisible tree passing by underneath and the whole thing would suck you under.

Later when the boys were home we checked out the creek. It rained last night. You could tell by the mud and the puddles and foam. The windows were open which always makes the best sound. We looked at the water but didn’t stay long. I followed them all out of the woods into the wellfield, and then through the tree-line to approach the hill. The boys ran. We walked up and I raised my arms and took a breath.

I’ve been following a couple of pregnant women on Instagram who were due around the same time and have all had their babies in the past month or two. One of them is my age and this was her ninth baby. The other two are in the later half of their 20’s. All three of them had homebirths. I’ve mentioned a couple of times here how I have not ever really had that baby fever that you hear women talk about.

Today might have been the closest I have felt to feeling something like it. The mom was nursing the baby while recording a series of Instagram stories. She was holding the baby so chill-like and has pretty much been holding her baby whenever you see her since the baby has been born. And I smiled and thought to myself, “That’s how I’d do it too”, where you and your baby are basically together all the time.

Not because of some kind of parenting method you are trying to follow but because this is just what comes naturally to you. And how after doing it at least a couple of times like all of these women I’m referring to have, you know more how fast things go and how changing your life for a little while to hold your baby is just one of those things that you do and truly cherish. The baby looked so cute cuddled up and nursing.

This afternoon I asked my son if he felt like I was distracted last night when he came in to ask me about his homework. “No”, he said, clicking away at his game. We were sitting on the couch, me with a Mary Oliver book I could not get into when I suddenly looked up and over to my left. “I thought I was maybe distracting you”, he said. I told him he wasn’t, meaning, I wasn’t mad at him. I’m glad we got that settled.

After that we went to the store to fill in the rest of the lunches and food things. Dad and another one of the boys were out mowing. The two of them then headed out to his mom’s to mow there. When we came back I noticed the grass and thought I should say something. “The house looks nice”, he said, “or the living room at least”, sometime after they were home and we’d eaten. He was trying to be specific. I’d forgotten that I’d cleaned it, that I’d straightened up, swept, and vacuumed the cat hair again from both of the sofas, and by then there were already cords, books, and laundry baskets filling the space. “Thanks”, I said, “The grass looks nice too.”

It’s gotten to this point where not writing here is worse than writing something here that is seemingly pointless. Like it will torture me all day tomorrow if I don’t take five, ten, fifteen minutes tonight and type out something. I had more energy earlier to do it, and had myself situated on the couch with my computer, when I decided to Facetime Ethan instead. With it getting toward the end of the college school year, I’ve been thinking of him often and feeling eager for him to come home.

Dad and Elianna were out at different things. There was the high school board meeting and Wednesday night youth group. The boys and I hung out. I worked a day shift today so before supper I was resting in bed after picking up my son from practice and starting the rice. Josh had gone to the store earlier in the day and picked up a few things to have for supper for a few nights. We ate together in the living room and talked for a while on Facetime. It was nearly 8 o’clock and they were getting ready to go bowling.

We talked about the meeting for a while and he said he got fiery when it came to the proposed name change discussion. One of the boys came in and asked me for an idea of what to write in a card he has to make for school. The kids are making the pastor cards. He’s already left the room again and now I feel sad because I was distracted and had to try so very hard to engage. I’m going to go out now and spend a little more time and then kiss them all goodnight with me at peace with the day.

Casper had been missing for at least two days. Today I would’ve likely had the boys go out and look for him, but one of the cleaning girls brought him to the house this morning. She had found him in the Retreat Center when she went in to clean. He went straight for the food. There’d been a school group and then another group here toward the end of last week and then over the weekend. He loves when the groups come.

We have a new loveseat in our living room now. Yesterday morning the teacher dropped it off. He helps with a small country church nearby here and was going to be in the area so he brought it on over. I wished I could’ve shown him around the camp but he seemed a little rushed and pressed for time so I didn’t offer. I worked on my paper for most of the day and turned in at 9:30. The UIS summer class doesn’t start until June.

I was thinking the other day that I might have been being just a little bit greedy when talking about what I could do more for school. To have gone and finished once was a gift in itself. To have gone back a second time and had this experience was something I don’t think I’d ever even thought to do. Not recently. I’ve been feeling slightly emotional today thinking about it being over. I am grateful for the time that I was given at LCU.

The baseball and track kids had their senior night tonight. Last year I don’t remember why, but I didn’t go. It’s crazy to me how fast this time of year has come around again. It truly feels like we were all just doing this. I know I sometimes complained about the schedules but in my deepest of hearts I truly loved it. It was just enough crazy to be right on the edge. I was looking forward to a home game tonight but it was cancelled.

After senior night we went to Culver’s to support whatever sports team was having a fundraiser. I got water instead of soda just to try and exercise some kind of balance. French fries used to be my junk food of choice where you could never go wrong, but even those are not as delicious as they used to be. It was food though and everyone was fed for the night. I saw a couple of parents out with their little kids and watched.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I talked to my grandma. I think it was more like sometime before Easter, which would actually mean it’s been closer to a month. When she moved back down to Florida, I don’t remember when it was, there was a part of me that felt like I lost her. It wasn’t going to be the same from then on out.

I felt myself pull away. She was too far away now and I wouldn’t be able to visit or see her like I had been able to when she was living up here. She was in a good place with my aunt who had wanted to take her back to take care of her. But their relationship was strained at times, as many relationships can be at times in this life.

But ours never was. At times I’d feel like I was hearing about a different person, a side of her I didn’t know and had never known. She wasn’t like that with me. “My Becca”, she would say to me for years over the phone. I wasn’t sure how I could go on without her. What would I do without the greatest encourager I’d ever had in my life?

The way things go here, she could very well outlive me, so I don’t suppose I should get too ahead of myself. When we moved away from her, she said it was like we all died. I can’t imagine having your grandkids living so close for those years and then having us move so far away. I hadn’t thought about her pain at all. I was oblivious.

I know she’s happy in New York. The kids are homeschooled so there are always people around. One of the grown-ups is always at home, and as she says often, “They’re so good to me, Beck.” And she will say that God has been good to her too. I do not know why I do not call more, but somehow, I know she isn’t holding it against me.

The boys and I went for a walk this afternoon. The bigger kids had a track meet in Carlinville which Grandma had offered to take them too. Dad had an LWML conference up in the quad cities. He left early this morning before anyone was up. I’d set my alarm for 3:20 and went downstairs to wait for the texts. Miles was taking Elianna to my mother-in-law’s house from after-prom which weirdly ended at 3. Hers came in around 3:38. His came in about ten minutes later.

I woke up to my son watching TV in the schoolroom. He didn’t know I was down there. I went upstairs and made coffee and mentally prepared for the day. There’s one more paper to write and turn in on Monday. It isn’t due until the evening so that is nice too. We had to take these career assessment tests as part of this class and for part of this paper. There were six sections that a person could be divided into based on how they answered the questions. My first section was not a surprise–the one with the helping professions. Nursing. But the second one, with an equal score, did surprise me.

Investigative work in relation to the sciences. All of them. Geology, anthropology, medical research, etc. So that was kind of fun to read. I didn’t get much done today. I usually need about a day just to think about the fact that it’s needing to be done now. There were the usual Saturday things that the boys helped with this morning. We vacuumed the living room and switched out the bag. I used the little vacuum then to vacuum the sofa and any lingering cat hair.

The boys and I stopped at the swings. They like to go high still but for me swinging almost makes me dizzy. I either have to actually swing or not move while sitting on it. The slow barely there swinging motion is too much. After that I said, “Okay, let’s keep going to the Shalk Shelter”, which is down by the outdoor chapel and the new woodshed where camp stores most of the woodpiles. They showed me where they’d seen a snack in the shed before the banquet. “How big was it?”, I asked. About three feet long by the look of his arm length. It’s better when the snakes stay out of sight.

I don’t remember the walk back. I am trying to think of it, whether we walked back together or whether we talked about anything or said anything I can recall. I must’ve dreamt it all away. My school email is going to be shutting down in about a month so I went through and moved over certain emails that I wanted to keep, with a question I’d asked about the Trinity and Augustine. I made sure my son’s senior pictures were also in the other email. We went for two walks today.

Elianna and Miles had prom this evening. This afternoon I took her in to get her hair and makeup done at this nicer spa and salon place in town. They did a nice job and sitting in the makeup room I started wondering what all would be involved with going to cosmetology school. I really couldn’t see myself doing haircuts and colors, but makeup and special occasions styles I could see myself doing. The makeup girl also did facials.

I looked up several different schools and didn’t really find anything that seemed like it would work. The cost even for one of the schools was not all that much less than getting another post-college degree. I have looked for what else I could do as far as school goes but have not found something that jumps out at me yet. A lot of these other ones seem like they wouldn’t be as long because you wouldn’t have to do all the clinical hours.

We met the group and a good number of parents at Harvest Market for pictures. It had rained all day so this was the plan when Washington Parked was crossed off as an option. I found myself getting emotional when saying goodbye before they left to go to dinner. With the middle ones I didn’t have the same time to think and to feel, for their uniqueness to stand out. More and more those times have come and I’m glad for them.

One of the boys and I went to the library this afternoon. I don’t know what it is about librarians around here that makes them great. We normally go to the Sherman library but we have to go to Athens to renew our card. They’re always so happy to help or see people read. Yesterday after piano we stopped by Sherman and broke the ice. The younger librarian had had two babies since the last time I’d been there.

I knew she’d been pregnant with the first one, but two had me floored. The one I’d seen in the store looked up our account just to see what was going on with it. I told her my last name but she said she remembered. It was a little weird. It felt a little like the WIC ladies where they’d been so nice to you, in this case she’d waived countless late fees and always so eagerly looked up whatever book I was asking about this time.

Another lady had once said, “You know you can look these up online, right?” I actually hadn’t known that. All this time I had probably seemed like this lazy bum who couldn’t think for herself or do something like look up books on an app. The lady in Athens helped me get the app reset up today as well. All I had to do was scan a code, and she didn’t even know you could do that. I learned about the codes from my daughter.

There’s a groundhog living near the upper backyard. I saw him while I was in the living room working on my take-home exam. He runs away if he sees me move, so this time I waited until he was out of sight of the window before getting down on the floor in case he came closer. Before this I’ve never seen him come up onto the deck. Low and behold he stood up at the glass door, looking inside. He looked around then walked away.

I almost volunteered to help over the summer but I refrained. Summers are her crazy time when the moms and grandparents are coming in with their kids. She was getting ready to decorate. When she looked up our account and again erased the fees, she said she’d let my son check out his book if he wanted but I said no, I’d already told him we’d get the card first. I didn’t want to take advantage, I wanted to do things the right way.