It’s only been a week since I made my blog private and I’m already wishing I hadn’t needed to do it. For the past three days I’ve thought about everything I could’ve said differently. I could’ve been gentler. My final paragraph could’ve been ten times better.
But the biggest thing I wish I would’ve finally said and done, was to have not left it open to the possibility of writing publicly elsewhere. I wish I would’ve just let the writing dream die, because to be honest, I can’t keep holding on to something that’s just not happening. The rejection. The frustration. The trying to figure out how to be who these people are saying they want me to be. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Because here’s the deepest honest truth, friends. I have already lived my best writing life. The experiences I have had through writing, the people I have met through blogging, I couldn’t have asked or dreamed for anything greater, better, or more.
I guess what I’m saying is, those years served their purpose. I am at peace with them ending. There were so many things over the years that I could never quite be fully and clearly open about. Sometimes I didn’t even do it on purpose, it’s just how the words kept coming and coming. As much as my heart yearns at times to write elsewhere, I am content with writing in my journal and writing quietly here. I am at peace with what is.
I took a brief evening walk on the beach trail today. This time I went halfway down, then back up. I still wonder how much longer this healing will take, if I will ever get back to old normal. I have to believe that this time, this season, will serve its due purpose too.