Seasons

I’ve been having a harder time settling into this new semester. It’s a couple of things. The first is that the classes I’m taking have more assignments than my previous ones. Last semester surprised me with the relative ease of the coursework and workload, as I had expected the classes at the very least to be moderately challenging. This semester’s classes are more what I expected.

The second is that there are more things going on in my life in terms of outside commitments where I am responsible for doing things. Last night after class, I told my husband when heading to bed, that I wish I would’ve waited to get more involved with church things. It’s amazing how quickly meetings and blocks of time can add up. I’ve known this, which is one of the reasons I’ve stayed out of said committees and commitments for so long. It’s one thing to have ideas. It’s completely another to be the person or part of the group of persons who now must work to implement these ideas.

Last year often felt like I was in a grueling crawl back to civilization. At the time I started briefly meeting with a few others last summer, I didn’t know I’d be going to school. I had a brief thought today of wanting back my old life. The life when country internet didn’t keep me from homework, when my calendar was endlessly open and clear, when I wasn’t driving away from the boys as one was shedding and choking back quiet tears.

And yet I feel in some way that this is the path we’ve been set on, like God is working and things are happening in his time and all of that. To put it another way: I have long prayed for this. Not necessarily these things specifically, but for God to hear me, for God to answer me, for God to do something, for God to keep helping me. I still do say things here that I end up questioning. I hate that feeling like I spoke too soon, of suddenly and intently fearing whatever I just asked God for, like I should’ve just kept that all to myself and let me and God’s business be just between me and him.

All of this stuff just leads to more prayer. Prayer that I can get these papers written, that the pieces will fall into place with these church things, that the boys would find comfort and strength in God, and continue to do well as they grow and adjust. Prayer for good sleep and focused work. Prayer for the mourning, who like the poor, are always with us. Prayer that I would not be anxious, but trust. Prayer knowing God is my shepherd, and ask.

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