We finished putting the lights on our tree this afternoon. It’s been another fuller weekend with church and holiday events. Last night the kids visited my in-laws house for the evening. Josh and I had a faculty party that was held at the homes of one of the teachers. She’s taught at the high school long enough that she had my husband as a student. She’s the last one there of the “originals” that I remember from his stories about school. When you get to know or are getting to know somebody, it’s not just the person you’re getting to know that you are learning about. You’re also learning about the other people in their lives.

We had a good time. The kids kept busy helping my mother-in-law set up her Christmas tree and decorate. It’s been a tradition for several years for the kids to help her with that. I like that it’s something they can do together and make memories with. When we returned to pick them up they were in the middle of Frozen II, which is actually a pretty good movie. It’s hard to pick between Anna and Elsa, but I think I like both of them the same without a favorite. The kids wanted to stay and finish watching but I was ready to be home and get to bed. It’d been a long day by then.

I’d told the kids we could finish watching Frozen II this afternoon if they wanted, though I think we ended up forgetting about it. This evening we watched the season 3 premiere of The Chosen. This one featured Jesus giving his sermon on the mount. Through the rest of the episode there are many instances of his followers talking about the things Jesus said during the sermon. At one point when I was little, I remember Matthew being my favorite book of the Bible, with chapters five and six being my favorite chapters, especially six. I like Matthew because it’s an interesting book where Jesus says many powerful and inspiring things.

Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.”
~Hebrews 11:16~

The Lord answered my prayers and there were just enough people at Breakfast in Bethlehem that it wasn’t a total waste, but not enough to warrant doing it again next year. At least that is the recommendation I am going to make at our next meeting. It’s hard to know sometimes the difference between laziness and wisdom. I am not a big promoter of busy-work church events. We live in a different world these days and people don’t seem to desire or need more of them.

My papers got done. None of these feel like the kind of thing I would ever refer back to or want to show anybody, but I was proud for having written that much, all 37 pages (4 were a chart). The professor for our family systems class next quarter already sent out an assignment in case we want to get started on it. We have to make a genogram and write a 15-page paper on our family of origin.

The Christmas spirit has yet to arrive here. I say “yet” as if I’m expecting it, though I’m really not expecting it at all for some reason. It’s almost like the time for that has come and gone, or maybe it will just look different. I know in part its because I’ve been so preoccupied with tasks and assignments. But I also do not have the same drive to make Christmas magical or special. I have nothing against it, and I appreciate when it’s here, but it’s almost like that isn’t my job anymore.

“We must meet Him as Mary’s child, the carpenter’s son, the Nazarene. Then, in this encounter, when our eyes are open and our hearts are pure, we can come to see ‘greater things.'”
~Thomas Hopko, The Winter Pascha~

The last time I went to renew my driver’s license I had driven with an expired license for close to two years. It was just one of those things I didn’t get to, or didn’t see the value of, or didn’t want to take time out of my day for. I didn’t want to go by myself. Josh and the kids dropped me off at the DMV then spent three hours going out to lunch at Applebees and walking around a strip mall.

I was telling all this to my Dad this morning. I’d called him on the way home from the DMV, after I stood in line for a half-hour before I finally gave up and gave in to the discomfort of being surrounded by unhappy strangers. While standing in line I’d looked up the process for renewing your license in the state of Illinois. They website said there’s a letter that comes in the mail that has a PIN number on it. You’re supposed to bring your letter with you when you come in, which I didn’t have so I left.

I was trying to be responsible, I told him. Trying to be a better person and do what I was supposed to do and it wasn’t enough. I should’ve done this three months ago, not the day before the thing expires, not when I’ve been up since 2:00 AM unable to sleep because I’m thinking about all the things that need to get done. I cried to my husband at 2:30, and again at 5:30 after I’d gone out to the living room to work on my paper. He listened while for ten minutes I lamented the utter misery and emptiness of the human condition.

My Dad said, “Well, going the day before was improvement, it was growth.” I didn’t wait two years this time, and when I thought about it more I supposed he was right. I dug around in the counter’s pile of mail, and there was a letter with my name on it from the Secretary of State. I was able to renew my license online with no problems. The weight and the picture will be outdated, but that is a small price to pay for not having to go back to the DMV and not driving around as a non-law-abiding citizen. I texted him and said next time my growth will be just renewing online first.

“Bless us O Lord, and these Thy gifts, which we receive from Thy bounty…” I woke up to the sound of Dad and the kids sitting around the table and saying the evening meal prayer. During supper the topic of the license came up. Josh told the story of how he’d gotten pulled over on the way down to Altamont for a chapel visit. The officer had run his license plate and saw it had an expired license associated with the vehicle. He said he came home that day and said I needed to go in and get that done. The kids remembered him telling that story before. I hadn’t remembered it at all.

At some point I’m going to have to get serious about making some significant progress on the paper that is due this Monday. Between now and next Friday, split between two papers, there are anywhere between 30-35 pages that need to be written and turned in. At the beginning of class Monday night our professor asked if anyone had any prayer requests. I raised my hand and asked for prayers for everyone and their papers. During his prayer he prayed that his students would know they were sharp and could do these things.

In some ways talking about it feels like I’m bragging. Like I’m saying, “Oh look at me. Look how many pages I have to write.” And so I’ve tried just to be mature and not talk about it. Like at some point writing papers is just what you do. Today was more of a miscellaneous day. Two of the boys still need dental forms so I called about that. I’d forgotten to bring a background check paper to class, so I mailed it. We had an online exam due that I did this afternoon. I don’t have room in this paragraph to list each little thing.

Advent services started tonight. Josh had to preach so he took the kids early. I skipped the Advent meal and heated up some leftover corn chowder. There was just enough for one serving. It was cold and windy here today, so it felt good and nourishing to eat something warm. While I was finishing my soup Josh called and said the church was out of power, as was the town. He wanted to know if I could bring a lantern when I came in. I sat with the kids briefly then went into the sanctuary. People used phones and candles as lights.

We had a good Thanksgiving weekend. Every year is just a little bit different, and this was the year of needing help with the groceries. By the beginning of last week, it was like my brain had temporarily short-circuited. Everyone else has a full plate too, but between school and a few extra church things I’m also involved with, I couldn’t focus as fully on Thanksgiving as I have in past years. Add to that that planning is not my strength and the conditions had formed for me to be overwhelmed.

My parents and one of my sisters pitched in. Honestly everyone pitches in somehow. By the middle of last week I was able to take some of the food shopping back. I made the list and sent it to my husband and daughter who were out running errands (We had planned for me to do this). Physically I felt quite well over the weekend, and still do now in the two days after. Every day I give thanks for good health, if not directly, then in some sort of pondering as I’m going about the day.

Tonight is another night of class. I’m still very much enjoying school, even as it causes me and others some stress at times. There is thankfully a fridge full of leftover food, which the family can eat for most of this week. Today we had leftover lasagna for lunch. There is a bunch of lettuce that didn’t get eaten, as well as several pounds of onions and celery that I still need to cut up and put in quart bags to freeze. It will be handy to have them on hand for soups with the turkey bones.

If the Lord were to bless me with grandchildren I would hope to be the grandma with a
stock pot of bone broth ready on the stovetop to be dished out to sick ones during fall and winter months. Every so often I get these visions of a small brick home, humbly kept and one-storied. The rugs would be vacuumed regularly, giving them a soft cozy look that makes you feel like you could take your blankets and pillows and make a fort underneath the table.

I would be a quiet woman, subdued by the storms of this life. My joy would be evident not by dancing in the kitchen, but in playing music softly and sending cards to the neighbors. We would have Jesus Time in the living room where we’d play and talk about our flannelgraph stories. They’d come with me to the herb gardens in my affordable back yard, where I’d show them how to weed and plant. The afghan rack would hang with blankets our children would recognize.

If they couldn’t make it home for the holidays, we’d catch up someday soon. Gifts can always be sent in a box, and I’d enjoy putting special holiday boxes together. The family at church would get one too. Dad and I would travel in a comfortable vehicle, realizing by now how converting a van into a traveling home was a fun idea, but not realistic. We would’ve never talked about that season in life he started calling me mom, when I noticed but apparently didn’t mind.

“The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little.  And when they measured it by the omer, the one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little.”
~Exodus 16:17-18~

My family is visiting for Thanksgiving weekend. My siblings and their families arrived yesterday evening and my parents arrived today mid-morning. This is the sixth year we’ve hosted thanksgiving at camp. We are typically together anywhere from Thursday evening to Sunday after lunch when the families leave. Two families have to leave early this year to be back by Sunday.

My in-laws are coming to join us for lunch tomorrow. Throughout the years, it’s been a blessing how the parents of my siblings spouses become part of the family in their own certain way. If nothing else they are regular characters in our stories. For the oldest siblings especially, our in-laws are people who have been in our lives anywhere from 15-20 years and even longer.

I keep wanting to put words to so many experiences, particularly those related to being a woman and a mother. I have become like Martha who is anxious and worried about many things, and it seems like the woman’s destiny to become this over her lifetime. But I wish not to give voice to my despair in the making. God made us, he loves us, and guides our lives with each new day.

“Look at the heavens, and see;
    and behold the clouds, which are higher than you.”
~Job 35:5~

I found myself praying in the early morning hours, “Heavenly Father, please meet my needs.” I said it again, several times, without analyzation. While the mind was going a mile a minute, it somewhere occurred to me I ought to start praying. I take the presence of God for granted, assuming at times that since he’s there, I’m automatically operating from a state of inner peace and tranquility.

Even now as I write I want to return to the to-do list, to cover up with a blanket and sleep through the weeks, through the rest of my life if it’ll spare me this churning. The words of a different preparation meet me humming, offering freely a song from congregations afar, “Let us cast aside the sleep of idleness, and with vigilance of soul let us sing to Christ, who is born of a pure Maiden.”

I give voice to Christ first, the rest can come later. I haven’t the strength now to shout it, but somewhere, someone else does. “Listen, mountains and hills, and lands around Judea, for Christ is coming to save man whom He fashioned, since He loves mankind.” My heart perhaps is stilled there, quickening at the thought of love to fill the whole earth, and once again we are carried.

~

*quotes taken from Meditations for Advent by Vassilios Papavassiliou

My step count has been abysmal this week. Last night I tried to go out and get something, five or ten minutes of walking the lane. I don’t even keep track of my steps anymore, but every so often I will take a look. Today hasn’t been much different in that sense. I do wonder if there will again come a day where I am not making decisions based on shortness of breath levels or feelings in my torso. It sounds so ridiculous.

It’s chilly here again today, below freezing. My aunt commented it feels more like January. She and I have been talking on the phone more lately. We’ve started a routine of Friday phone calls. She calls me on her lunch break or after work when she’s finished. She talks to my grandmother twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. I don’t remember how this new tradition started, but it’s been good. She lives in Kansas.

Dad and the kids spent the morning cleaning the garage. Everyone was bundled in coats and gloves, which apparently they found themselves. I’m afraid today I haven’t been much use in tending to the laundry or comforts of others. I’ve spent much of the morning and afternoon hours working on my latest paper. This one isn’t hard, it’s just a matter of sitting down and doing it. Tonight my daughter and I have evenings plans.